


Please Don't Leave Me

by multifdom



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating Viktor, Coach Victor Nikiforov, Fighting, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Jealous Katsuki Yuuri, Jealous Victor Nikiforov, Love, M/M, Moving In Together, Multi, POV Alternating, POV Katsuki Yuuri, POV Victor Nikiforov, Public Blow Jobs, Sad Katsuki Yuuri, Tears, Tie Kink, Virgin Katsuki Yuuri, but i also kinda don't, drunk Viktor, i have a plan for this, or maybe not, viktuuri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-10-15 22:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10558550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multifdom/pseuds/multifdom
Summary: Now that Yuuri and Victor are finally together everything should be fine and they should live happily ever after. Or so they thought. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that and so they have to face a number of problems which will determine whether their relationship is meant to last and if their love for each other is enough. Especially when Yuuri finds evidence indicating that Viktor is cheating on him...





	1. How would you feel if I said that I loved you

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo...this is my first fanfiction in the YOI fandom so be nice to me. If I'm honest I don't really know where exactly this story is headed so there will most probably be changes/additions in the characters and relationships listed as well as the tags.You will probably notice that I made some plot changes as this will start with the kiss in episode 7 but I decided to change the Cup of China into the GPF. I have the title for the chapter from Ed Sheeran's "How would you feel (paean)". Hope you'll enjoy it! :)

Blank. His mind was completely blank. Instead he was especially aware of his body. The coldness on his back, the hand under his head protecting it from the ice he was lying on, the warmth radiating from the body pressed against him. But most of all lips. The lips he dreamed about kissing for so many years. Imagining how good they would feel on his. But oh how wrong he has been. It felt so much better than he could have ever even begin to imagine. They were soft and warm and plump and perfect. Almost as perfect as the man they belonged to. But soon Victor broke the kiss and looked at him.

 

"This was the only thing I could think of to surprise you more than you’ve surprised me“. "Really?” he couldn`t help but smile at the man on top of him staring into his eyes, as blue as the ocean. Eventually Victor stood up, offering him his hand. As soon as he stood on his feet again he remembered where they were. He kept holding on to the other man’s hand as he took in the sight of the crowd around him cheering wildly as his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. The whole world just saw what happened. Everybody watching this in the stadium as well as at home saw his first kiss with Victor. Victor “living legend” Nikiforov, his coach, who he has had a crush on for years, who he idolized, worshipped. Posters covering his entire room for most of his childho- no.

 

No that’s not what this was. It was his first kiss with Victor. The man who loved his mother`s katsudon, the man who seemed so heartbreakingly helpless when he was crying before his performance because he can`t comfort a sad person to save his life, the man who so impulsively flew to Japan to be Yuuri`s coach, the man who saved him when he was on the ground, not knowing what to do with his life because he thought he had failed for good. That after such a disastrous performance last year he couldn`t dare to skate competitively once again in his life. The man he ever so slowly, irrevocably and inevitably fell in love with. As he looked at his coach he realized that really, he wasn`t embarrassed at all. Fact was that being the private person he was, he didn`t want to share such an important, intimate moment as his first kiss with the person he so deeply loved with all these people in the stadium, let alone the whole world.

 

Stuck in his head he didn't realize that Victor was dragging him off the ice, taking off his blades and exchanging them for regular shoes. Sitting in the kiss and cry, waiting for the results the Russian spoke again, oblivious to the real reason behind Yuuri’s absent-mindedness. “Your performance was marvellous! Don’t worry!” “Hmm” was the only thing with which he responded, still lost in his thoughts. That stopped abruptly when his score was announced, the cheering of the crowd deafening. So much, in fact, that soon he didn’t hear anything but the blood rushing through his ears. He saw Victor jump up and draw him in a rushed embrace. He won. He actually did it.

 

They were on their way to their shared hotel room. After the ceremony Victor wanted to go to a bar and celebrate and even though he was exhausted, not having slept the other night and then pulling this performance with the quad flip in the end, he couldn’t turn Victor down. He was so excited, a child’s look in his eyes. So now he was literally about to faint but there was something he wanted to try no matter what. As soon as Victor closed the door behind him Yuuri channeled all the energy left inside of him and every ounce of courage flowing through his body and threw Victor on one of the beds before seating himself in his lap. When he saw the surprised look on Victor’s face he considered stopping for a second but he very quickly came to the conclusion that he could never come up with a plausible explanation without revealing his true motives so he just went on and kissed him.

 

He started slowly, hesistant at first, testing the waters. But after a moment of shock Victor engaged in the kiss running his hands over Yuuri’s back, the other resting on his cheek. Taking this as a sign of encouragement the younger man slid out his tongue, brushing it over Victor’s lips, asking for permition to enter his mouth which the other man immediately granted him. Yuuri’s mind went blank again, endorphines rushing through his body as he tasted his lover for the first time. He suddenly didn’t feel tired at all anymore. It was quite the contrary. He felt weightless, like he could fly, like anything was possible. He almost moaned in frustration when Victor broke the kiss only to realize that the man hadn’t stopped really, he just moved on to another part of his body. So not a second later he felt these perfect lips hovering above his jawline, close enough to feel their presence and Victor’s breath, that came fast now against his skin but not touching it.

 

Victor continued with this torture moving his mouth over every inch of skin between Yuuri’s lips and his jawline until he couldn’t take it anymore. He threw his head back, moaning, exposing his neck and rushing his fingers through silver hair, pulling the head they were attached to to his skin. He could feel a small smile against his neck before Victor began kissing and sucking and licking everywhere, moving down towards his chest and for a moment he stopped, looking up at Yuuri who nodded. But before Victor could undo the first button a loud yawn escaped Yuuri’s lips. To which Victor looked up at him, a teasing look on his face “Am I boring you?” Removing the hand from his mouth, he tried to respond

 

“No! Oh god I’m so sorry! It’s just that I was so tired and I haven’t slept last night and-“ Victor interrupted him with a laugh. "Oh Yuuri I’m just teasing you! Don’t take this so seriously. I was surprised you innitiated this in the first place. Usually you don’t really give me much to work with. But I guess that kiss today at the final really worked better than I hoped it would.” He chuckled again and this time Yuuri found himself chuckling along. “It sure did!” He looked into the other man’s eyes for a second. They were not more than little slids, surrounded by wrinkles but their intense blue and the emotion that he saw, that he has never seen before, never realized it to be there anyway, took his breath nontheless. “Victor” he stopped, afraid to ask or to confess. What if his feelings were one-sided? What if Victor liked him but not enough to really commit to something?

 

He did tell Yuuri about his ex-lovers when they started to get to know each other all these months ago after Yuuri had confessed to have never had a serious relationship but Victor never went into detail so he didn’t know whether he has ever been exclusive with somebody before. A wave of doubt rushed over him and he suddenly wondered if he would be able to please Victor, satisfy him the way he needed to, he wanted to. After all he was as unexperienced as one could be.

 

Despite kissing a hand full of people though never the way he just kissed Victor he has never gone farther with anyone. Sure, he knew the mechanics but actually doing it was a completely different thing. When Victor tilted his head in question, still waiting for Yuuri to continue, he brushed these worries aside. It was Victor after all. Sweet, kind, gorgeous Victor that Yuuri just happens to be in love with. That was worth giving it a shot. He took a deep breath and started again “Victor I have to ask you something. Now don’t get me wrong I very much enjoyed the kiss back then. But, I think we should talk about this before...anything else happens.

 

And before you say something, I know I initiated this”, he gestured between the two of them, still sitting on Victor’s lap, “but I just couldn’t help it. It drove me crazy and I couldn’t think of anything else but this kiss the entire evening and I just wanted to feel it again.” He took another deep breath. “I’ll start: I kind of have...feelings...for you, so I would be interested in this”, he made the gesture from before again, “to continue...” It took Victor a few seconds to answer and the japanese man has never been so terrified in his entire life. When Victor finally spoke it felt like a rock was lifted off his chest “Well, honestly these last months have been very confusing for me. After the banket last year I thought you were as interested in me as I was in you. At least I hoped you would. To be fair you were quite drunk that night so it could’ve just been the alcohol but I gave you my number anyway and I waited for days, weeks even, thinking you would maybe call me but you never did.

 

But when I saw the video of you dancing my routine and thought it was a sign. So I booked a flight to Japan and hoped I could get to know you better by being your coach. After a few weeks however I thought you didn’t like me the way I did like you because every time I tried to make a move forward you just walked a little step back. So I decided to stop because I wasn’t getting anything out of that and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable but I still couldn’t help falling for you. And after I saw you skate today, all common sense drained out of me and the only thing I could think of was to kiss you, be close to you. So the conclusion of what I’m trying to say is that I’m in love with you.”

 

He stared into the younger man’s eyes before hesitantly brushing his lips over Yuuri’s before pulling away again. The other man was just staring at him. Eyes wide, lips parted. D...did Victor just confess his love to him? Sure, Yuuri knew Victor liked him, maybe even be attracted to him in some way. But he didn’t expect him to confess his lo- wait. The banket? He didn’t remember to have ever talked to Victor before he arrived in Hasestsu. “Victor, what are you talking about? I don’t remember even talking to you at the banket last year.” Now Victor was the one widening his eyes, looking like his entire world just fell apart and shattered into pieces. “What?” was the only thing that came out of his mouth. “Yuuri, you don’t remember anything that happened between us?” Yuuri simply shook his head to which Victor sighed before starting to explain.

 

"Well it’s true that when you arrived at the party you were mostly on your own but after a few drinks you seemed to loosen up a bit and after dancing with Yurio and poledancing with Chris you came up to me. We soon started to flirt quite heavily and you took me up to your room where we started to make out.” As soon as Yuuri heard this he was aghast. Did they...? Victor must’ve seen the horror on his face because he quickly continued “Yuuri! You should know me by now. I would never take advantage of a person like that! Yes, we did make out and you did express a desire to go all the way and believe me when I tell you that there was nothing I wanted more that night but I soon realised that you were drunk beyond better judgement so I broke it off.

 

I gave you my number and told you that you can call me if you still wanted this when you were sober again. But as I told you before, you never did. Now I know that perhaps it was because you were even more drunk than I originally thought." Yuuri didn’t know how to respond. This was a whole lot of information to take in. But just as he was about to start over-thinking everything as he liked to do his eyes fell on Victor’s face. And as he saw the vulnerable look on his face he knew what to do. Victor just gave him the power to completely destroy him by laying out all his feelings and leaving his heart unprotected and Yuuri felt overwhelmed by the amount of trust that lied within this gesture. He put his hands on each of the other man’s cheeks and kissed him. Putting all his emotions in it, his confusion, his desire and all his love for him. After parting from each other, breath coming short he put his forehead against Victor's, something he wanted to do for a very long time “I may not remember what has happened a year ago but I do love you now. Is that enough?”

 

 

**Victor's POV**

 

 

...Is that enough?” Victor’s eyes were gleaming with excitement when he heard this. After all these months trying to seduce Yuuri, thinking that he would never be hearing these three words out of the other man’s mouth. He hasn’t been meaning to kiss Yuuri earlier that day but after he saw his performance he couldn’t stop himself. For the rest of the day, especially after what happened before this had conversation started he was worried whether it was a mistake. He wasn't sure what Yuuri felt for him but he was fairly sure it wasn't love and he didn’t want anything casual. Not with Yuuri. He loved him too much for that. But now, now he knows that his feelings aren’t one-sided, that all the effort he put into getting closer to the beautiful man sitting in his lap at this very moment wasn’t a waste of his time. “Enough?”, he broke into a laugh, loud and freeing “Yuuri! It’s everything I ever wanted. Come here!” He kissed him again passionately, long and messy. He's finally got Yuuri to himself and he's not gonna let him go.


	2. Let Me Know The Truth Before I Dive Right Into You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I was pretty surprised how many people have already visited this fic in those few days since I posted the very first chapter. And thanks to everyone who left kudos, it makes me happy to know that people like what I write. Feel free to leave a comment as well if you want. Thanks again! And here's chapter 2. :)  
> (Name for the chapter: Dive - Ed Sheeran) (Yes, I do have a slight obsession with Ed's new album ':D)

Yuuri opened his eyes as sunrays fell through the window on his face. When his arm reached beside him, he felt hair on his hand. What the- _oh_. _Oh right_. He looked over to his right and saw Victor gazing at him with a smile so bright, the sun was nothing compared to him. “Good morning” he said, blue eyes shining. Yuuri smiled back. “Good morning. How late is it? Have you been watching me?” “It’s ten. When I woke up I wanted to take a shower and call room service to bring us some breakfast up to the room but when I looked over at you, you looked so beautiful, peacefully sleeping.

 

I just couldn’t help it. I have seen you sleep so many times but now that you’re mine it’s different somehow.” He snuggled over and put an arm around Yuuri’s waist, placing a quick peck on his forehead. It was like in a dream to lie here in bed with Victor, his smell and his warmth surrounding him. He couldn’t remember when he last felt this loved. Sure, he has his family who he knows loves him very much and of course Phichit, his best friend, the one person in this world that knows everything about him. They have never kept any secrets from one another. From the first day on he felt save with him, accepted, as if he could tell him anything and Phichit would never judge him, never criticize him the way others did. But with Victor it was different. A kind of love he has never felt before even after only spending one night with him.

 

After their conversation they’ve gone straight to bed, snuggling against each other Yuuri fell asleep quite fast having been extremely exhausted from the previous two days. He hasn’t slept this good in a long time. His conversation with Victor was long overdue and it felt so freeing to finally tell him that he loved him. Lost in his thoughts he mumbled “I love you” letting the words roll over his tongue, feeling his heart throb with the strong emotions that were triggered by them. He snapped out of his thoughts when he heard Victor chuckle lightly, feeling the vibrations on his cheeks. When he looked up, tilting his head in question, Victor stopped and smiled down at him. “I’m sorry I’m just not used to hear you say that to me. But I can’t get enough of it.” Yuuri didn’t realize Victor had heard him. He smiled too, kissing the other man.

 

Victor was the first to break the kiss “We could take a shower now…together.” he said, winking at him. “And afterwards go for a walk into the city for brunch. We have the entire day free until the evening.” “Sounds great but um…I have to…um…call my parents. How about you go showering first and I’ll call them, afterwards we can do what you suggested.” Victor looked confused, not buying the lie Yuuri told him but nodding nonetheless, standing up and making his way into the bathroom. As soon as he closed the door behind him Yuuri let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He didn’t like lying to Victor but he was so insecure. When he heard the water splashing he took his phone from the nightstand.

 

He may not call his mother but there is someone he definitely needed to talk to right now. “Hello?” “Phichit! I’m so glad you picked up. I hope I didn’t wake you.” “Yuuri! Oh don’t worry about it. What’s going on?” Phichit sounded slightly worried even though Yuuri tried to keep his voice down not letting his nervousness get the better of him but Phichit just knew him too well. “Victor and I, we are kind of together.” Before he could continue he heard his best friend squeal on the other side of the line “I knew it! Tell me everything! How did it happen?” Yuuri had to chuckle. His friend has always tried to convince him that he and Victor belonged together. “Well, after the kiss yesterday at the Final we talked and realized that we felt the same for each other. But I need to talk to you about something that I’m worried about.” “Of course, Yuuri. You know I’m always there for you. What’s the problem?”

 

“Well Victor has implied that he wants to sleep with me and I really want to, I do. But Victor is so experienced and I’m just worried that I won’t be enough. So I tried to sneak my way around it. Yesterday was easy, I was tired so we just went straight to bed but just now I had to lie to him...” “You’re just gonna have to talk to him. Tell him your fears, he’ll understand. He loves you right?” “That’s what he said.” “And he meant it. So it’s gonna be fine. Just talk to him, it’s better than stalling until he thinks you don’t want him.” Yuuri sighed, he knew Phichit was right. He couldn’t stall Victor this long. Eventually he would confront him and it’s better to just tell him right away instead of waiting until Victor got fed up with his lame excuses. “Thank you. I know you’re right. I will tell him as soon as I can.” He heard the water being turned off. “I gotta go now. Bye.” He put his phone down on the bed just moments before Victor entered the room, towel around his hip. “You can go in now” “Okay” He walked by Victor, smiling and giving him a little peck on his cheek.

 

“Seems like you were quite hungry.” Yuuri looked up still chewing. When he swallowed, he smiled shyly. “Sorry.” “You don’t have to apologize. I find it cute. You’re my little Поросенок” he chuckled. “What does that mean?” “Oh nothing. It’s just a pet name.” He winked. Yuuri just shrugged. “What do you want to do after this? We still have a few hours before we have to get ready for the banquet.” Victor put a finger on his lower lip, thinking before his eyes lit up. “Well, if you want to we could go back to the hotel. They have an indoor pool.” He winked again and Yuuri’s body reacted immediately, his cheeks blushing. Maybe this was a good idea. If they were lucky and there was nobody else around it would be the perfect opportunity to talk to Victor.

 

He didn’t want to have a conversation like that with other people around. After they finished eating Victor paid even though Yuuri had objected wanting to split but Victor convinced him that it was alright. “Don’t worry. It’s my treat.” he said, smiling. Still a bit uneasy he made a note in his head to pay the bill the next time they would dine out. Hands entwined, they made their way back to their hotel room to get changed and went down to the pool. When they arrived Yuuri soon had to realize that he would have to give up on the idea of having the conversation here. The pool wasn’t stuffed with people but privacy definitely looked different. Well, maybe if they stayed for some time they would eventually have the pool to themselves. They still had a couple of hours left until they had to get ready, after all. They went to two free loungers and put their towels on top before jumping into the pool

 

 

**Victor’s POV**

 

 

Since Yuuri’s weird behavior in the morning Victor has been wondering what might have triggered it. He wanted to talk to him about it but never seemed to find the right moment. Besides, he didn’t want to upset him and thus ruin their time together. But when the other man asked him what he wanted to do, he suddenly had an idea. “Well, if you want to we could go back to the hotel. They have an indoor pool.”

 

“Would you like to play a game?” Victor threw his arms around his lover’s neck, tilting his head in question. Yuuri seemed to consider it. “What kind of game?” The Russian grinned, running his fingers up and down the other man’s back, the warm water surrounding his arm and feeling satisfied as his lover shuddered in response. “How about Truth or Dare?” Yuuri seemed to be surprised but soon returned Victor’s grin as if he wanted to provoke him, challenge him. “Bring it on, Nikiforov.”

 

 

**Yuuri’s POV**

 

 

“How about Truth or Dare?” Yuuri was startled at first. Why did Victor want to play Truth or Dare? And why here? What was he hoping to get out of this? He didn’t know whether it was such a good idea to do this but he was too curious to not play along, literally. He returned Victor’s grin “Bring it on, Nikiforov.” “Truth or Dare?” He considered it quickly before answering. “Dare.” “Kiss me.” Yuuri squinted his eyes. “Really? That’s all?” “I thought I’d start easy.” He winked, before Yuuri gave him a quick peck on the lips. “Oh come on! That’s all I get?” “Victor, there are people all around us. I don’t wanna start a make-out session in the middle of a public pool!” Yuuri laughed when he saw Victor pouting. “Alright, alright. Your turn.” “Ok. Truth or dare?”

 

“Truth.” This was his chance to learn more about Victor, to ask a question that would come off as strange if he would mention it out of the blue in a casual conversation. He had to consider it carefully. “When was your last serious relationship? And was it with a man or a woman?” It was better to start off slowly. Victor eventually had to choose ‘Truth’ again. “Hey that’s two questions!” Victor laughed but then answered anyway when he saw Yuuri’s puppy eyes. “I’ve only ever had one serious relationship before you and that was quite some time ago. I think I was twenty when we broke it off. Lasted for about two years. It was with a man.” As they continued playing, more people left over time until they were alone. Yuuri looked at the clock above the entrance. They had about one hour left, now was his chance to strike up the conversation. But before he could even think of anything to say, Victor continued with the game.

 

 

**Victor’s POV**

 

 

After stalling Yuuri with the game long enough, he looked around the room, pleased to see that they were finally alone. Now he could get started. He really didn’t like playing games like that just so Yuuri would tell him what’s wrong. Well, actually he did like playing games like that. But not under these circumstances when it felt like he would lie to Yuuri, betray him in some weird way by playing mind games. This would be the last one. After that he could go full confrontation-mode, treating the problem head-on. Well, implied Yuuri would take the right one. ”Truth or dare?” “Victor, I actually-“ “Oh Yuuuuriii, come on please! I kept the best options for the last round. Just one more time. Or, maybe you’d like to do something else?”

 

Oh screw the plan. He’s just going to try one more time and if Yuuri refuses to go along, telling him another one of his oh so extremely imaginative excuses, he’s just going to have to talk to him. He used the arms that were around Yuuri’s waist to pull his body closer, pressing it against his own with absolutely no space between them. He felt Yuuri’s muscles clench, every fiber of his body tense under his touch. “Something way more fun.” He runs his fingers up and down the other man’s arm and further to his back and then gripping his ass, letting his hand rest there, Yuuri’s breathing was coming faster now, his pupils dilating to the point where Victor almost couldn’t see any brown in his eyes. Well, it was relieving to see that he is not immune to Victor’s touches. But why then does he look for excuses not to have sex with him?

 

When Yuuri shifted, putting his hand on Victor’s chest, bringing some space between them “Victor, we can’t do this here. This is a public area, what if some walks in on us?” Yuuri had a point, well to some degree at least. But it was already quite late in the evening, and because the hotel they were staying in was pretty small, more than half of the hotel rooms were occupied by skaters or their trainers, most of them were probably about to get ready for the banquet. So the possibility that someone would barge in here all of a sudden was very small. Besides, it just turned him on even more to know that they were about to do it in an unlocked, semi-public space. “Yuuri, what is wrong? Why are you always trying to come up with an excuse when I make a move? Don’t you want to sleep with me? Because if that’s what it is then we have kind of a problem here with this whole relationship thing.” “No, no I want to. Really. It’s just…”

 

He paused, avoiding Victor’s gaze. “Please Yuuri, whatever it is, just tell me. No matter what it is, just please, tell me the truth. No more excuses.” “It’s a bit embarrassing.” Victor could tell by the brightly red blush that was slowly creeping up the other man’s cheeks. Yuuri cleared his throat, taking one last deep breath. “Victor, believe me, there’s nothing more that I want than to sleep with you. But I-well, I-” He squeezed his eyes shut, unable to look Viktor into his own. “I have never slept with anyone before. Hell, the farthest I’ve gone was a kiss with a bit of tongue. And you are so experienced I don’t want to disappoint you in some way. I know it sounds stupid and childish but I just couldn’t stop thinking about this. I’m sorry.”

 

Victor just stood there wide eyes, mouth open, startled by the sudden, unexpected revelation. He’s never…had sex? The Russian obviously didn’t have a problem with that but it did surprise him quite a bit. Yuuri was sweet and kind and in addition very hot. He couldn’t believe that up until now nobody ever noticed that. But maybe he just didn’t want to be-fore, which would make the fact that now with Victor he actually wants it even sweeter and more meaningful. He would be his first and – hopefully – his last. “Victor?” Yuuri’s voice brought him back to reality. The younger man looked at him in anticipation for him to say something and if he wasn’t mistaken, he could see the tiniest glimpse of worry behind these brown eyes, that he loved so much, he always lost himself in their deepness.

 

“I’m sorry. I just- this just came as kind of a shock, really. You are such a handsome man with a beautiful personality. I can’t imagine that there was not one person before me who saw that. But you don’t have to worry about anything. You could never disappoint me. I don’t want to have sex for the sake of fucking you, you know. It’s true that for quite a long time I haven’t had a real relationship, only engaged with people in casual sex. But Yuuri, I love you. You are special to me, very special. And when I want to have sex with you, it’s because I want to be close to you, in every way that’s possible for me. Touch you, feel your warmth, your heartbeat, smell you. Believe me, knowing the techniques are not on top of the list of things, required for us to have sex.” He took Yuuri’s hand, pulling it up to his mouth and kissing every knuckle. He hoped that his words had calmed him down. After all these months that he has spent with the other skater he still knew so little about him.

 

From the first day on, Yuuri was a seemingly unsolvable puzzle to him, which made him even more interesting. When he looked back up from Yuuri’s hand to his face the other man gave him a shy smile, cheeks still red, unquestionably the most beautiful thing Victor has ever seen. “Thank you, I needed to hear that. Oh and by the way, I love you too.” Victor took his wink as an encouragement to finally get started. He started kissing Yuuri, softly first but getting more passionate as his lover encouraged him, drawing him in closer, hands rumbling through his hair. He slowly made his way downwards to his neck, kissing, licking, sucking, being rewarded with a soft moan. God, this was music to his ears. He wanted more of this, so, so much more.

 

Suddenly Yuuri gripped his head and brought it up to his own face, both already panting fast. Yuuri tried to give him a little smile but it looked more grimaced, disappointed. Without saying anything he turned his head, pointing towards the entrance. “I would really love to continue with this but I’m afraid we have to go up and get ready. Otherwise people will be wondering where we are.” Oh for fuck’s sake he really couldn’t catch a break, could he? He rolled his eyes, groaning in annoyance. Well, he couldn’t do anything about that now. They worked so hard for Yuuri to finally win his first Grand Prix and as much as he wanted to sleep with him, he would hate himself tomorrow if he’d let his student miss it. “Fine. But we’ll resume this tonight alright?” Yuuri was nodding eagerly “Yes, I wouldn’t miss that for anything. Now that we talked I feel much better about it.” Good. Something to look forward to.


	3. Hold me close and never let go

Victor didn’t like the official banquets. Yes, he very much enjoyed the attention from both the media and his fans but on his terms. This was just boring. Shaking hands with sponsors just so that they could talk his ears off afterwards. The unofficial party afterwards on the other hand, that was something to look forward to. Well, under usual circumstances anyway. But after the little talk he had with Yuuri in the pool just a few hours ago, the only thing he could think about was Yuuri’s naked skin against his, their lips locked, fitting perfectly, as though they were made for each other. Naturally though, they still needed to stay for a little longer, at least until the officials were gone and the real party started. They didn’t want to raise any suspicion.

 

Everybody knew that they were dating by now but Yuuri was still a private person and to go early would be like going up on stage and announcing that they would now go upstairs to their room and have sex, which Victor had no problem with at all. After all it’s not like nobody knew about it. But his lover didn’t seem nearly as content with the idea and he didn’t want to scare him off again after making such a progress just a few hours before. He was nipping on his third glass of champagne, while standing next to Yuuri, who nodded politely to a sponsor who has been rambling on for at least twenty minutes now, though Victor could tell he wasn’t listening anymore, just like himself. He tried, he really did but he couldn’t stop thinking about what they would do tonight when they were finally left alone. It was odd for him to be so out of his mind on the outlook of sex.

 

There’s just something about Yuuri. Everything was different with him. He made him do things, feel things he never had done or felt before. He just needed to be touched by him once to be brought down to his knees. And the fact that he’s been dreaming of finally sleeping with Yuuri, being able to touch and kiss every inch of his body, trace over his soft skin, draw sounds of pleasure from his lips, see him writhe in lust, hair ruffled, lips parted, ever since the banquet last year, didn’t make things easier. He felt his dick twitch. It wasn’t a good idea to think about this right now. He will have the real thing in just a few hours anyway. But patience was never one of his strengths, nor was planning things that were so, well, personal.

 

He was more of a heat-of-the-moment kind of guy, he had sex when he felt like it. That’s why he needed to remind himself that this was for Yuuri. He loved him so much that it almost hurt and for him he was willing to change when it was to make him feel more comfortable. Yuuri was a very sensitive person, his anxiety was triggered quite easily, even now. So Victor tried to avoid acting too impulsive, for his sake. Lost in his thoughts he didn’t realize that the sponsor has moved on to another group of people and Yuuri was looking at him. “Victor?” He slowly blinked his way back to reality. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

 

“Yes, sorry I was just thinking of something.” “It must have been something important, given the look you had on your face just a few seconds ago.” “No, not really. I was just bored. Weren’t you as well? I could tell that you stopped listening to the sponsor at some point.” He said with a grin to which the other man blushed. Victor didn’t like lying to Yuuri but he just couldn’t risk putting him off. “I was listening. My thoughts may have travelled off a few times but he held a really long speech…and he was repeating himself as well!” He grinned, looking down to the floor scratching the back of his head. Victor emptied the glass he was holding in one gulp, put it on a table standing next to them and then reached out to Yuuri. “Would you like to dance?” Yuuri looked up, surprised but quickly changing his expression to a bright smile, eyes gleaming. Gorgeous was all Victor could think, looking at his lover. “I’d love to!” He took his hand and they walked to the dance floor. They were dancing silently for some time before Yuuri whispered quietly. “I wish we could just go up to our room already…” Victor raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You do?” “Yes, very much actually…since you freed me from my worries earlier it’s all I can think about. All these things you said…you didn’t actually think they wouldn’t have any effect on me, did you?” Actually Victor didn’t think about the effect his words would have on Yuuri at all.

 

Sure, before their conversation he chose to do the things he did deliberately to test the effect he had on the other man but when Yuuri has told him about his worries, the only thing he had in mind was to make sure his lover knew how much he meant to him, how much he loved and adored him. “Well, I couldn’t stop thinking about it either but I guess if you still want to wait until our absence isn’t noticed within minutes we both have to be patient for at least an hour or two more.” He breathed against the skin on Yuuri’s neck and was pleased to feel a slight shiver on his hand, resting on the other skater’s back. “Hey! That’s not fair! I know you’re doing this deliberately. If you continue with this I’ll be standing here with a boner and we’ll not be making it to the room.”

 

 _Oh_. He has never seen this side of Yuuri. So confident and his voice hoarse and deep but he could definitely get used to it. He looked into the other man’s eyes, innocent before winking at him. “I wouldn’t mind.” Yuuri opened his eyes wide for a split second, before stopping in his tracks without releasing his coach’s hand and walking through the crowds of people chatting, laughing and dancing, to shortly after leave the room. He dragged Victor, who willingly followed him, into one of the elevators and pressing the button with their floor number on it.

 

After the doors closed he turned around, facing Victor who smirked at him before both leaned into a heated, sloppy kiss. Victor broke away first. “Didn’t you want to wait until the officials were gone?” “I don’t care anymore. You drove me crazy all day with your touches and your words. I want you. Now.” Before they could lean into another kiss the elevator arrived on their floor with a little _ping_ and as soon as the doors opened they were running to their room, not caring who saw them or what they thought. As soon as the door was closed behind them they continued what they had started back in the elevator. Both immediately got rid of their jackets and sat on the beds, which they pushed together in the morning, not even bothering to turn on the light.

 

While intensifying the kiss Victor relieved Yuuri of his shirt and tie before pushing him down on the bed and get sat on his lap. He immediately felt his partner’s hard-on. That was unfortunate. He was already half hard himself but he had practice in delaying his orgasm which probably wasn’t the case with Yuuri. He slid down to kneel above his lover’s knees to open his pants and take them off along with his underpants, revealing his throbbing member. There was already an impressive amount of pre-come on the tip. Victor leaned down, taking Yuuri’s sex into his mouth in its entirety, closing his lips around his shaft then sliding all the way up to release it with a pop. “Nngh V-Vic-, ah…Victor I-I’m close…”

 

“I know. But I want our first night together to be passionate and long. I’m gonna take care of this” he looked down to the twitching member beyond him, “and when you’ve come down from your first high you’ll be able to last longer.” He smiled down at him and continued. Placing kisses on the tip, flicking his tongue against it again and again. _Flick,flick,flick_. When he took the tip in completely, sucking on it hard, he heard Yuuri scream followed by a salty, warm fluid running down his throat. When Yuuri stopped shaking he let go, crawling up to face Yuuri. He looked absolutely gorgeous in the moonlit room, lips swollen, a slight blush covering his cheeks, making them seem to glow.

 

His eyes fluttered open when Victor kissed the tip of his nose. “That was…” Victor chuckled before leaning into a kiss, soft and sweet. When they broke away from each other he smiled. “I think I’m a bit overdressed.” When he started to undo his tie Yuuri sat up, laying a hand on his and stopping his movements. Then he looked up at him with dark eyes, his deep voice not more than a whisper. “I’d…like you to leave that on. Let me undo your buttons.” And with that he quickly peeled Victor out of his clothes leaving him only with his black and silver tie around his neck. “Lie down.” Victor instructed, breath coming fast, before starting to kiss him again, deep and needy this time, rubbing his dick against Yuuri’s.

 

When the other man moaned he took the opportunity to move on, placing another small peck on his lips before he moved to his forehead, then to his cheeks, his nose and his chin before he made his way down to his neck, his lips wavering above the soft skin, breathing in the sweet scent before diving in and starting to kiss and suck “Oh- fuck Victor! Please!” Yuuri moaned. Victor looked up, smirking. “Shush…you’ll have to learn to be more patient. I’m not opposed to quickies but when possible I like to take my time, savor the moment. Trust me, this way it’s more sensual, feels more intense when you come. Just close your eyes and concentrate on how I make you feel.”

 

He felt Yuuri starting to shake at his words, closing his eyes as told and put his head back on the pillow but dug his hands into Victor’s hair. Something that he was more than content with. Continuing with his sweet torture, he licked his way from his lover’s neck to his chest, kissing and sucking little love bites there too. He continued, moving down to his stomach and his waist. Before he reached the area that practically screamed for his attention, he stopped, moving all the way down to Yuuri’s feet and repeated his actions until he arrived at his stiff member. Despite the occasional whimper or silent moan and gripping to his hair, Yuuri remained silent. Though that changed when Victor suddenly removed the hands digging into his hair and got up.

 

For what he wanted to do next he needed to get the lube out of his suitcase. Luckily he always brought some with him. “What are you doing?” “I need to get something out of my suitcase. It’ll be just a second.” When he found what he’s been searching for, he quickly returned and positioned himself again above Yuuri, waving the little bottle in his hand to answer the question portrayed on his face. “I’ll be careful and it’ll probably take some time for you to get used to it but I promise you’ll like it. You just need to relax alright?” Yuuri looked into his eyes and nodded. “I trust you.” He smiled, squeezed some of the lube into his hand and started stroking Yuuri’s dick, moving his other hand to his entrance, circling and massaging the ring of muscles to which Yuuri breathed in audibly.

 

When he felt the muscles relax he slid one finger in, carefully, slowly. He moved, stretching his hole when he heard Yuuri moan. “Are you ok? Does it hurt?” “J-just a little at first. It feels good now, a bit strange maybe.” “Good. You’ll get used to it.” He moved in a second finger, scissoring while he continued to stroke Yuuri’s sex. When he bend his fingers down slightly, Yuuri screamed, he must have hit his prostate. “Nngh oh fu…cking hell! Please Vi-Victor!” Victor grinned. “What do you want?” “You! Please! I want you!” “What do you want me to do? Tell me. I want to hear you say it.” “I want you in me! I want you to fuck me!” Yuuri gripped his tie and pulled Victor down into a sloppy, needy kiss. “I’m ready. Do it.” Victor pushed himself up again, squeezing a little more lube into his hand and stroking his own sex to coat it in the liquid.

 

He then positioned himself, throwing a last look at Yuuri, asking for his confirmation, to which the other man simply nodded, pupils dilated to the point where he couldn’t see any brown in them. He pushed in, slowly, bit for bit until his member disappeared in Yuuri’s hole. That’s when he stilled in his movement for Yuuri to get used to the new feeling. For him, it felt incredible, he has topped so many times but yet again with Yuuri it was different, was so much better than he knew it to be. It took him every little bit of his willpower not to start moving. “How does it feel? Are you alright?” “Y-yes, you can move.” Victor must have done a good job stretching. He started moving carefully, pulling almost completely out to slowly push in again. He lay down on top of Yuuri, steadying himself on his arms and leaned into a kiss. When he started thrusting again his stomach brushed over Yuuri’s member and he moaned into his mouth.

 

Once he found the right angle to hit Yuuri’s sweet spot it was only a matter of seconds until Yuuri started shaking, his muscles clenching. He was close. When he bit into his lover’s lower lip he screamed out and he felt a warm fluid on his stomach. It only took Victor a few more thrusts, combined with Yuuri’s muscles contracting around his dick for him to come as well, the other man’s name on his lips when he collapsed.

 

They lay there for a few minutes and Victor could hear Yuuri’s heart still racing, both of their breathing still heavy and fast. When he was calm again he looked up at his lover, giving him a kiss, sweet and innocent, before putting their foreheads together to look into his eyes, smiling. “I love you. So much.” Yuuri smiled back, looking gorgeous with his eyes all crinkled up and the post-orgasm glow on his skin. ”I love you too. That really wasn’t bad, you know, considering that first times usually tend to be disastrous.” He winked. Did Yuuri “I am too shy to initiate a little kiss in public” Katsuki really just wink at him? Victor laughed. Post-sex Yuuri was apparently a great deal more confident than usual Yuuri. “Oh I’m so glad you said that. You know, I wasn’t quite sure if I could trust your moans and screams of sheer pleasure.” He said, tickling Yuuri, who giggled cheerfully.

 

Oh this beautiful sound. He lay back down, covering them in the duvet that was folded on the other side of the bed after cleaning the both of them with a tissue. Quietly listening to Yuuri’s now steady heartbeat, he spaced out. He has never loved anyone as much as he does him. With a picture of them together, in his apartment with Makka, he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo I hope you all liked what I made out of their first night together. I just thought that it was a nice idea to write their first time out of Victor's perspective as opposed to Yuuri's. This was my first time ever to write smut. I hope I did well. ':D They are, btw, not (yet) engaged in this particular story. We'll see if Victor's dream will come true...


	4. I fear what the future holds

**Yuuri’s POV**

 

 

Yuuri looked out of the window of their taxi, remembering last night. He could still practically feel Victor’s fingers tracing over his skin, his mouth sucking little marks to his chest, his neck, the insides of his thighs, his belly. When they got ready this morning he was standing in front of the mirror in their hotel room, tracing the little marks on his neck with his fingers, partly shivering with heat running up his spine in his cheeks and partly wondering how he could hide them.

 

He could wear a scarf outside but they were going back to Japan and he didn’t exactly want to go home and just display his hickies openly in front of his family. So Victor gave him one of his turtle neck shirts. Luckily, they were very light and in at least two days nobody would be able to really see them if they wouldn’t look too closely. Otherwise his family would probably start wondering why he constantly wore his coach’s shirts. Still lost in thought he suddenly felt Victor’s hand on his.

 

“We’re here.” They got out of the car, took their luggage out of the trunk and made their way to the check-in. “I’m really looking forward to seeing your family again. I’ve missed your mother’s katsudon so much.” Yuuri giggled lightly. Naturally, Victor was thinking about food. He was coming with him back to Japan for now but he knew that, eventually, he would go back to Russia. Especially now that he has announced his comeback as a skater. Yakov was stationed there and he knew that Victor would never switch coaches. He promised to stay with Yuuri, to be his coach, but the Japanese skater knew that it wouldn’t be as easy as Victor made it look like with both of them living in different countries. He couldn’t ask Victor to stay with him, that would be incredibly selfish and he couldn’t live with himself like that. Constantly considering whether it was the right choice, if Victor was really, truly happy. He even thought about moving to Russia.

 

But he didn’t know the language and he would be all alone in a foreign country. And he couldn’t possibly force himself onto Victor by asking to move in together. The silver haired man was a free spirit, spontaneous and impulsive. If they were ever to make such a big move as to officially move in together or marry, he wanted Victor to bring it up. Otherwise he would just feel like he was constraining him. And that was the last thing he wanted. “Hey, what are you thinking about?”

 

The plane has just taken off and Yuuri was staring out of the window – again. He really needed to stop over-thinking everything. “I was just thinking about how much I‘ve missed my family and that I’m really happy to see them again. And I’m happy that you’re with me.” He smiled warmly, trying to hide the sadness caused by his thoughts from just a few minutes ago. Luckily, Victor didn’t notice or if he did, he didn’t let it show. “I’m happy to be with you, too.” He took Yuuri’s hand, brought it up to his mouth and kissed his knuckles, one by one. When his lips arrived at his pinky, he moved up his arm to his neck but just when he was about to kiss him Yuuri let out a small yawn to which Victor smiled before giving him a quick peck on his lips. “Maybe we should take a nap. We didn’t get much sleep last night.”

 

He winked to which Yuuri blushed lightly, starting to remember last night again. Victor put his arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer, so that Yuuri could put his head on the other man’s chest and close his eyes. “Yuuri! Victor!” Mrs Katsuki smiled warmly as the two skaters entered the Inn and hugged both of them tightly. “I hope you’re hungry. You’re just on time for dinner!” Victor squealed with delight. “Great! I am starving.“ Yuuri laughed. “Victor, we ate on the plane. How can you be already hungry again?” “When your mother’s cooking I’m always hungry.” He had a bright smile on his face, his eyes just tiny slits.

 

He looked absolutely adorable, breathtakingly so. “Oh that’s so sweet of you to say, Victor!” Hiroko pinched his cheeks lightly. “You can go and unpack, dinner’s ready in 10 minutes!” With that she gave the men a last warm smile before returning into the kitchen. Yuuri lifted up his suitcase with his right hand, taking Victor’s hand with his other, pulling on it softly. “Come on!” As soon as they went into Yuuri’s room Makkachin jumped off the bed, barking happily and wiggling his tail. “Makka! I missed you so much!” Victor squealed, drawing the dog into an affectionate embrace.

 

After slobbering all over the Russian’s face Makka jumped at Yuuri seemingly with the intentions to do the same to him. “Vkusno!” Victor exclaimed, eyes sparkling, after taking the first bite of his dish, accompanied by an appreciative moan, before practically inhaling everything to the very last crumb. Even though the Katsukis were mostly used to Victor’s adorable little quirks by now, all of them were silently giggling before they began to eat as well. Yuuri though, was deep in thought again.

 

When the skaters were unpacking their things they realised that there was no extra room prepared for Victor which, despite startling him at first for a moment, didn’t leave Yuuri pondering much over the reason. They all watched the GPF, they all saw the kiss. And even if they wouldn’t have, you could find videos of it all over the internet and even weeks later every gossip rag had the picture of Victor and him lying on the ice looking all lovey-dovey at each other on its cover with a very detailed story.

 

His family must’ve just imagined that they were now together. He was hoping that nobody would bring up their relationship, though. And with his parents he knew that even if they were interested in whether their son was now actually in a romantic relationship with this Russian skater that he basically worshipped throughout most of his teenage years and that suddenly showed up in the Onsen about a year ago out of fucking nowhere to be his coach, they wouldn’t say anything. His parents did never really understand his love for figure skating and they understood even less why his room was plastered with posters of a gorgeous, teenage boy with long, silver hair in various poses.

 

But they supported him nonetheless, gave him the dog that he wanted all of a sudden, stubbornly refusing to answer, when asked for the reason and didn’t question why he named it ‘Victor’, though he nicknamed it ‘Vicchan’ because he thought that ‘Victor’ would may be too obvious after all, they let him go to America when he was still a boy, even though he could see the worry in their eyes and paid for it without saying one little thing. They never openly tried to discuss or asked him things that they knew, would make him uncomfortable when confronted with them, which is why he knew they wouldn’t ask him before not he, himself would speak up and willingly discuss the topic, which he was incredibly thankful for.

 

With Mari he knew he had to face her bringing it up eventually but it would be when they were alone. She has always been very protective of him, taking her role as his big sister rather seriously. The only one he would have to worry about bringing it up when everybody was around was- “Are you two now finally together?!” ...Minako. His eyes shot up in her direction, then over to Victor, who didn’t seem to be the least bit bothered or uneasy, then over to Minako again.

 

“Well...uh...we...I mean-“ “Yes, we are.” Victor put his hand on Yuuri’s and smiled encouragingly. He was so thankful that Victor didn’t get the wrong idea. Gladly, he knew how awkward he could get about things like that. He would never be embarrassed to say that he and Victor are a couple but he hasn’t exactly done this before. He never met someone who he wanted to be connected with, who he wanted his family to know of. So he was kind of nervous to have “the talk” with them and have them see him being so close to somebody, he just couldn’t share his feelings so openly with them. Not yet anyways.

 

He didn’t have the nerve to deal with his family’s curiosity right now. Maybe if he has time to consider how to act and what to say. He yawned purposefully before he stood up. “I should probably go to sleep now. It was a long weekend and I didn’t have had much time to sleep.” Looking down at Victor he asked “Do you want to stay up a bit longer or do you want to come with me?” Victor, luckily, understood and came with him after wishing the other people on the table a good night.

 

When they arrived in Yuuri’s room he sat on the bed. “I’m sorry I just feel weird talking with them about us...” He felt Victor’s hand on his knee when he sat down on the floor in front of him. “It’s alright. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I understand.” “Victor...” He wanted to say something, to talk about all the difficulties they would have to face in the future but he felt himself chocking on his own words. All these days have been so much, so over-stimulating for him. The sleep-deprivation, the competition and most of all the sudden anxiety and all the over-thinking that came with him and Victor finally choosing to act on their feelings.

 

He felt tears welling up and dropping on Victor’s hand on his leg. “Yuuri! Hey! Everything’s fine. Please don’t cry!” Victor raised himself up, lying down on the bed and taking Yuuri in his arms so that the younger man could rest his head on his chest. Yuuri started sobbing silently now. He felt so silly for acting like this but he just couldn’t help it and if he couldn’t let lose in front of Victor who could he open up to? Back in Detroit he had Phichit comforting him, always taking him in his arms when he needed it, not saying anything but just being there for him. “Yuuri what’s wrong?”

 

 

**Victor’s POV**

 

 

When Victor saw the tears falling on his hands his eyes widened in surprise. He knew Yuuri had been uneasy with his family as soon as their relationship became the subject of their conversation but he couldn’t have known it got to him that much. He took the other man in his arms and lay down on the bed, feeling Yuuri sobbing. And here he was and wanted to ask Yuuri a question but that had to wait now. He needed to give Yuuri the comfort and warmth that he needed. His thoughts could wait. “Yuuri what’s wrong?”

 

The other man just shook his head. He didn’t want to talk about it... Well then that was fine too. He’ll just hold him. But eventually they’d have to talk about it. He wanted to be there for Yuuri, make him feel save and good and loved. But he couldn’t do that without knowing what the problem is in the first place. He gave his lover a kiss on the head, covered both of them with the duvet and continued to hold Yuuri, his hand wandering over his head or back in a comforting gesture until late into the night when Yuuri finally seemed to relax a little bit. From then on it didn’t take long until his breaths came even and he fell asleep. Shortly after Victor did too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter is late I was staying at the hospital until just a few hours ago so this is, additionally to being late, quite short as well. Again, my apologies. But I really wanted to upload something. I hope you still liked it :)


	5. Every day you're here I'm healing

When Victor opened his eyes it was still dark outside. Yuuri was holding on to him, his head still on his chest, breathing steadily. He reached up to the black hair of his lover and fondled it. “Hmm” Yuuri looked up at him, sighing sleepily. “Hey.” Victor smiled down at him. “Hey. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you up.” “It’s fine.” He sat himself up and looked at Victor. “I-I think I have to- I’m sorry I- Thank you for being so patient with me.” “You don’t have to thank me. I want to be there for you because you mean a whole lot to me but…Yuuri you know we have to talk about what’s making you feel this way, don’t you? I am always willing to just be there and hold you but I can help you so much better if I know what the reason for these outbursts is.” “I know. I really do want to tell you but I don’t really know myself. I just need some more time to work this all out by myself. Just...be with me. That’s all I need, to feel that you are mine and I am yours. Is that ok for now?” Victor didn’t really know how to respond to that. He wasn’t ok with that. Quite the contrary even. He was anything _but_ ok. He has never had such an intimate relationship with another person before.

 

His first and, until now, last real relationship has ended almost a decade ago and even with them Victor never had to deal with things like this. They were practically kids back then, still blissfully unaware of all the problems and hurdles they would encounter throughout their life. Besides, he didn’t love them as much as he loves Yuuri now. He didn’t want to make any mistakes with him. That’s why he tried to change himself, to be the someone Yuuri needed. He knew that his boyfriend was anything but weak but Victor has always been very impulsive, doing what he felt like doing and saying what he felt like saying. Now he tried to to be more mindful with his choice of words whenever he was talking to Yuuri, careful not to cause an unnecessary misunderstanding. This man lying next to him was the best thing that has happened to Victor in a long time. He just didn’t want to mess this up. “Of course. Everything you need.” He squeezed Yuuri’s shoulders lightly before slowly standing up.

 

“I’ll be right back. You try to sleep some more, ok?” Yuuri looked at him, a bit irritated at first but then slowly nodding before he lay back down and closed his eyes. Victor quietly made his way to the door, putting on his shoes and walking out into the cool air of the night. He needed time to himself to think. And a drink. He definitely needed a drink. So he decided to take a walk to a bar that Yuuri showed him some time ago, not too far away from the Onsen. Burying his hands in the pockets of his jacket, he sighed into the darkness and started walking. This was all going wrong. So not the way he thought it would, hoped it would. When he came to Hasetsu Yuuri saved him. And that night after the GPF he thought everything would get better. He so desperately hoped it would that, for a short period of time, he had the illusion that it actually was. But problems would still arise. Every time he thought now was the time another problem would appear.

 

Another day that seemed meaningless, grey. And every time it felt like a punch to the gut. For years now he has been increasingly struggling to get out of bed in the morning, to get inspired. He didn’t have this passion to win anymore, he would let the training slip just a little bit, would hit the snooze button on his phone just a bit more often in the morning. In the beginning it wasn’t much of a problem. After all Victor has been in professional figure skating for a pretty long time, many of these years he has made his choreographies himself, chose the music himself. It was not unusual to hit a low every now and then.

 

But leaving it to someone else wasn’t an option. For him it was a way of expressing himself. He wasn’t very good with talking, many times he found that there weren’t words meaningful enough to describe his feelings appropriately. But on the ice it was like he finally found an output for his emotions. He was better talking with his body. Listening to the music as though the notes would come to life and move his body, caress his skin and dance with him. He loved seeing and hearing the reactions of the crowds as well, he wanted to surprise, to do exactly the opposite of what was expected of him. But with the years that became harder and in the last two seasons he has been especially struggling.

 

He found himself having mood swings, being exceptionally capricious, irrational and impulsive and he felt an anger inside of him that he was partly afraid of. Sometimes his emotions became too much to bare and on other days he didn’t feel them at all. Sometimes he would just ignore everything and everyone, just lying in his bed and sleeping or staring at the ceiling. He couldn’t make out what it was that he was going through or where it was coming from. One day Yakov had enough of Victor either reacting incredibly sensitive to everything he said, slumping around the rink like a wet puppy or just not showing up at all. So he made an appointment with a therapist. There he got diagnosed with depression. At first he denied it. That wasn’t possible, right? Sure, he’s been a bit down but not _that_ much. But after a few sessions he realized how plausible it actually was. They offered him antidepressants but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to take them.

 

He hoped his life would improve by just going to therapy, so he went there weekly. But it didn’t get better, even when he decided to try the drugs. Sure, he would not need so many attempts to leave the bed in the morning anymore, he could concentrate better but he wasn’t _feeling_ better. In fact, he didn’t feel much at all. He had lost his spark, his motivation, his inspiration. But then last season after the GPF something happened. A certain Yuuri Katsuki clumsily stumbled into his life and suddenly he felt. He felt the colors flowing through his body and the world around him became just a little less grey, a little less deafening. And after a year of Yuuri not even making eye contact with him he couldn’t resist the impulsive thought he had when he saw this beautiful creature skating his routine so graciously. He felt like he made music with his body. Like he _was_ music.

 

The music that had moved him all these years and gave him an opportunity to express himself, an output for his feelings, those feelings that were gone or at least so very much dulled down that he couldn’t even remember how it felt to be genuinely excited and happy or even have this sadness inside of him that he hated so much when it haunted him. But no degree of sadness would ever be as awful as being dull and empty inside and lonely. _So_ lonely. He felt like half a human for so long and when he saw Yuuri skate, something inside him was moved so very much that he felt a tiny spark of hope, of joy. So how could he not go and try? Try to get closer to this person who seemed to be the answer to this dullness, his other half. The possibility of feeling complete again was too enthralling to not try. And after all, he was right. Yuuri was the one thing that completed him, he was the music that seemed to be missing for so long. _Love_ was not nearly deep enough a word, not nearly big enough to express the overwhelming feeling of blissfulness he had flowing through his entire body when he so much as thought of Yuuri. Not to speak of when he got touched by him or got looked at with those deep gold-brown eyes.

 

So when he finally got assured that Yuuri wanted him, Victor thought that everything would be better from then on. But he was obviously wrong. He wanted to ask Yuuri to come with him to Russia, live and train with him there. But something was clearly worrying him and Victor hated not knowing what it was. Did Yuuri not trust him enough after all? With that thought Victor entered the bar. Enough thinking. He needed this drink now.

 

 

**Yuuri’s POV**

 

 

Yuuri was sitting on his bed, rubbing Makka’s belly. He just got up and it was 8am. And Mr Victor Be-Right-Back Nikiforov was gone. He couldn’t find him anywhere and he couldn’t reach him on his phone. If they weren’t in Hasetsu where Yuuri spent most of his life, where everybody knew everybody and literally nothing really bad ever happened he would’ve been worried sick. Instead he was mildly annoyed. After he hurried out so abruptly, he didn’t come back all night and Yuuri didn’t even want to know where he spent the night. Would it be like that every time there was even the littlest sign of a struggle when they lived together? At least that gave him time to himself to think. He wanted to tell Victor what’s on his mind but was that really so much of a good idea? Yes, he had an insane amount of trust into his boyfriend and he has never felt as safe with anyone before as he does with Victor but was it a good idea to mention the topic of moving in together to him so shortly after they officially became an item? He wanted to be with Victor so bad, he couldn’t imagine his life without him anymore.

 

He felt more relaxed around him and even with his anxiety switched on he could still sleep reasonably well in Victor’s arms. But he knew how Victor was and he didn’t want to scare him off with an idea like that. He was brought back into reality by an annoyed barking. He was so lost in his head he must have stopped rubbing Makka’s stomach. When he continued, the dog let out a content sigh, slobbering all over Yuuri’s hand. He completely forgot how lovely it was to have a dog around. He smiled sadly. When he went to America he had to leave Vicchan here and with all the competitions he attended he didn’t have any time to visit his hometown and when his beloved dog died he was devastated. Having Makkachin here who practically looked like a bigger version of Vicchan brought up the regret he felt, not having seen him in years and then hearing that his best friend died over the phone was hard. But more than that seeing him in his old room brought back the happy memories. This town will always be his home but he has outgrown it. Has outgrown his old room, the people that were always the same every day, not seeing new things. The time he had spent in America with Phichit and Celestino, all the competitions he went to all over the world and his relationship with Victor has opened his eyes to the world. And he wanted to see more of it.

 

He had to move forward. He will try talking to Victor (if he’ll ever find him again), maybe he’ll agree. After all they were already unofficially living together for almost a year. It was not like he was asking him to marry him. They were just going to live together. Right in this moment Victor came in through the door practically falling on top of Yuuri, clinging to his neck. “Yuuuuuriiii!” “Victor? What happened? Where were you?” “Hihi oohhh that a- *hick* are many questions haha…”  “Are you drunk?” “Noooooo! *hick* O-okay maybe a bit. But only a liiiiiiiiiiittle teensie tiny bit hihi.” He kissed Yuuri’s neck sloppily before looking up at his face with what apparently was supposed to be a seductive expression. “Let’s ‘ave ssssex!” He exclaimed.  Yuuri was pretty annoyed and caught off-guard when the other skater barged into his room. Victor disappeared into the night a few hours ago and comes home at 8.30am, drunk and horny, apparently.

 

But at the look on Victor’s face he couldn’t hold in a little giggle. “Yeah sure I’d like to see you try to stand up let alone move your hips.  Yuuri rolled his eyes. “Yuuuuriiiii! You’re sooo sweet when you’re angry. Yooouu know that? I looooovee you. Let’s get married!” “Yeah sure Vi-“ Did…he…just…? How drunk was he? “Okay Victor come on it’s time to go to sleep alright? We can talk when you’re sober.” “I m-mean it Yuuurriii. Вы Мой Ангел and I always want К быть с Вы.“ He must be _really_ drunk if he slips into Russian mid-sentence without noticing. Yuuri couldn’t talk to him right now. He gave him a little peck on the forehead and tucked him in. “You have to sleep now. I promise we’ll talk later alright?” “Hmm.” Victor was already half asleep. It looked like he couldn’t be angry at him for long. Yesterday evening really must’ve gotten to him if he just takes off in the middle of the night to drink himself into forgetting it. They definitely needed to work a few things out for this relationship to last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we got a little glimpse inside Victor before Yuuri. So, I have this headcanon that Victor suffered from depression and I really wanted to include it in my story. I used my own experience with it combined with what I picked up from him to describe how he felt so I hope you'll be content with this. 
> 
> Because I assign a song to every chapter that I write I had the idea to make a playlist on Spotify that I would update with every new chapter being uploaded. Would someone be interested in that? (I would also include a few songs that I think just really fit them and their relationship, on and off canon.)
> 
> Thanks to every single one of you who is reading, giving kudos or commenting I really very much appreciate it. :)
> 
> Also I thought I'd link you to my [tumblr](http://yoituuri.tumblr.com)  
> I'm on there almost daily so you can interact with me there if you want to.


	6. I'm sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna delete this when I post a new chapter.

Hey guys! I'm really sorry that I haven't updated in so long. It's just been very busy because I'm currently on job search and there's a ton going on in my personal life. Additionally I have had surgery and spent the last couple of weeks recovering from it (which I'm still doing). I have tried to sit down and write a new chapter to upload by this weekend but as you can see I just couldn't work it out. I still partly have problems with sitting up for too long and if I'm honest my heart just wasn't into it and I hated everything I wrote. So instead of uploading some thrown-together sentences that are not making any sence whatsoever, I unfortunately have to let you down and not post anything quite yet. But of course I'm still writing at least a bit every day and when I'm done and satisfied with it I'll immediately update. I'm just pleading you to have just a little more patience with me. Again, I'm sorry. If you want to talk to me or ask me anything I'll advise you to do so on my tumblr as I'm on there more frequently than I am on here and I have more opportrunities to answer you.

 

I have, on another note, made that Spotify playlist. It's sorted by chapter. (Oh and again: I am a huge sucker for Ed Sheeran and as he writes just absolutely gorgeous love songs there'll be a couple of those in there). P.S You'll find both the link to my tumblr and the playlist in the chapter note, when you scroll down. 

I hope you're not too upset or annoyed with me and I wish you a wonderful week. Bye!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://yoituuri.tumblr.com)   
>  [Spotify Playlist](http://open.spotify.com/user/lina1191/playlist/0zfbJYuoIEB3GX5sXKk6RZ)


End file.
